Calling

How far is too far?
How long will it take
till you figure out
every word I say
is a promise I'll break?

How long is too long?
How far can I run
till I'm too far gone?
Till you let me go,
till my weakness has won?

Why do you still call my name?
Don't you know I'll always come?
I take what you give, then walk away.
You're a fool
to stay
calling out my name.

Collecting Myself

breathe
in and out
don't think just
survive this
day this moment this
night behind

me and you i can't
live without and can't
hold in my hands and gone
now it rends
my soul like wet
paper killing
me as it falls
apart it's what i knew
it would be but i
believed

anyway and it's
this that will suffocate
me as i bend to
breathe in
and out

will it ever be
okay
i can't

breathe

behind front lines

he, undefeated
untaken, unmatched, unbeaten
by design

invincible

he, unmarred
unwounded, unwon, unscarred
by design

invisible

what is unknown
cannot be forgotten
what is unseen
cannot be abandoned

unbloody
unbroken
untamed

invincible

unwounded
unhealed
unfound

invisible

Stay the Night

For the first time I want strong arms tonight just because I would do anything to keep this darkness from closing me in -- for the first time I would beg without shame for safety and offer nothing in return. Just be there -- someone be there -- anyone be there

to wrap me up in real, in the middle of this vast -- I won't say you're beautiful or make you feel -- I'll claw your arms around me and shake like a child -- let you think as you will,

and when morning comes I'll rise trembling with relief and leave you there because life doesn't leave me time to store up arms for the night that's always coming, even when morning has begun and I should sleep the day when fear is at rest and you --

I would pay. I would do anything, I would say anything you want to hear, not because I would take from you but because I need you. I need you, I need you, and I don't think I can do one more night

with this fear, this alone, with this sleep that takes me in and leaves me wide awake with the terror, praying for rescue, praying that I have not been abandoned, wanting to not be alone

with this.

Bliss

The perfect soul to
catch eternity as she passed,
to lose everything I need and hold everything
I ever wanted --

I take it apart, piece by piece by piece,
childhood hatred my lot in the end, trying to learn
each touch, each turn of the head, each step
to greatness, to wonder, to
worship.

Stare. Life takes this.
The raven carries it in her wings,
the sunset throws it lavishly away,
even worms feed on it like bread.
Here am I, with my books and my pen and
my self-made teachers, following,
yet all I ever learn is that what I see isn't
what I get.

Question

So,
if there is something to believe in,
then my picture of it couldn't have been all bad.
In fact, I believe it was the perfect snapshot
of what I believe something to believe in
should be.

So,
if life wasn't designed to teach us all
that we're just puppets on a stage, and bought to boot,
and if you really wanted us to love
holding life in our hands and smiling
in the evening,

then
why did the pearl I sold everything for
turn out to be a fake? I thought it was supposed
to work like that. If you want me to believe,
why evaporate what I believe in? It's no case
for faith.

Don't
think I blame you. I don't.
I just don't take chances. I won't be duped again.
I wish I could be. I wish life was out to trump
my hand, to be everything I cannot dare
to dream.

But
if there really is something to believe in,
don't let me go on not believing. I'd give my life,
and gladly -- in fact, I want to give my life --
consider it given. Forgive me if my faith remains
as hope.

Orbiting Lost

The universe is circling Orion.
I try to force it back, reset the stars;
my fingers fade like sunsets,
and everything I touch slips right through.

I go east, away from you,
then west, to get to you,
but if I walk away, I find you,
and if I walk toward you, I end up far away.
East and west trade places and I am caught
off guard every time.

So here I live, splitting moons,
separating hemispheres and sidestepping tides,
dreaming of an empty sky,
hoping someday to escape this gravity and
find a world with a road --
any road --
that doesn't start or end with you;
any road
that I don't have to walk alone.