Dusk

Funny how it gets dark now,
leaving me behind,
inside,
as if something has gone on
without me.

It's hard to remember now
the things that hold me
together,
hard to think that even
while I fall invisibly apart,
somehow I remain.

What adds up to me?
Which sum am I?
Who is there now to find
me when I've lost myself?
How will I know where to go if I
don't know where I'm starting from?

Will I be able to love you
into survival if I've never
known how to love
at all?
Will you someday forgive
me for bringing you to life
in me?

Maine 2008

I saw an old man in Maine,
he was nailing plastic to his house,
wrapping up for winter.
It was cold and time for dinner.
Within my borrowed walls,
I wanted to be, like him, in occupation,
with a house to keep and a family to hold
and someone to go inside to.

Always waiting in the waves, we are
boats that hesitate, till harbors fill
and everyone is gone.

Calling

How far is too far?
How long will it take
till you figure out
every word I say
is a promise I'll break?

How long is too long?
How far can I run
till I'm too far gone?
Till you let me go,
till my weakness has won?

Why do you still call my name?
Don't you know I'll always come?
I take what you give, then walk away.
You're a fool
to stay
calling out my name.

Collecting Myself

breathe
in and out
don't think just
survive this
day this moment this
night behind

me and you i can't
live without and can't
hold in my hands and gone
now it rends
my soul like wet
paper killing
me as it falls
apart it's what i knew
it would be but i
believed

anyway and it's
this that will suffocate
me as i bend to
breathe in
and out

will it ever be
okay
i can't

breathe

behind front lines

he, undefeated
untaken, unmatched, unbeaten
by design

invincible

he, unmarred
unwounded, unwon, unscarred
by design

invisible

what is unknown
cannot be forgotten
what is unseen
cannot be abandoned

unbloody
unbroken
untamed

invincible

unwounded
unhealed
unfound

invisible

Stay the Night

For the first time I want strong arms tonight just because I would do anything to keep this darkness from closing me in -- for the first time I would beg without shame for safety and offer nothing in return. Just be there -- someone be there -- anyone be there

to wrap me up in real, in the middle of this vast -- I won't say you're beautiful or make you feel -- I'll claw your arms around me and shake like a child -- let you think as you will,

and when morning comes I'll rise trembling with relief and leave you there because life doesn't leave me time to store up arms for the night that's always coming, even when morning has begun and I should sleep the day when fear is at rest and you --

I would pay. I would do anything, I would say anything you want to hear, not because I would take from you but because I need you. I need you, I need you, and I don't think I can do one more night

with this fear, this alone, with this sleep that takes me in and leaves me wide awake with the terror, praying for rescue, praying that I have not been abandoned, wanting to not be alone

with this.

Bliss

The perfect soul to
catch eternity as she passed,
to lose everything I need and hold everything
I ever wanted --

I take it apart, piece by piece by piece,
childhood hatred my lot in the end, trying to learn
each touch, each turn of the head, each step
to greatness, to wonder, to
worship.

Stare. Life takes this.
The raven carries it in her wings,
the sunset throws it lavishly away,
even worms feed on it like bread.
Here am I, with my books and my pen and
my self-made teachers, following,
yet all I ever learn is that what I see isn't
what I get.